ADJUSTING TO A “NEW NORMAL”

After a violent crime, nothing is the same – our “normal” world is gone – and it is common to feel extreme shock, be in a state of emotional collapse, and feel unsafe in the world. We are now in what some call the “new normal,” and it will take time to adjust. It’s a rollercoaster, and you will have bad days and some that are better. You only need to face one day at a time, or even one moment at a time. Self-care is critical, both physically and emotionally.

You can’t go around grief; you have to go through it – grief will wait until you are ready to walk through it in all its forms, typically accompanied by pain, resentment, or hurt – involving both your head and your heart. In general, the first year is spent feeling numb, and in the second year the reality starts to set in, but there’s no hard rule with this. When you stop running from the loss, it is the grief work you do that will help.

Sometimes you may feel you are going crazy, but chances are you are not. Keep this in mind: You are dealing with an abnormal situation that is crazy-making (and possibly dealing with the physical separation from your loved one). It’s best to be as gentle with yourself as you can, and please get help if you are worried about your mental health.

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

You may experience physical symptoms, including:

• Anxiety attacks

• Weeping fits

• Fatigue, exhaustion, lack of energy

• Heart palpitations, stomach pains, shortness of breath, and tightness in the throat and chest

• Sleep disturbances and/or nightmares

• Lack of concentration

• Panic attacks, sweating, or chills

• Flashbacks

• Lack of appetite

Grief puts great stress on the body, and it is recommend that you see a doctor.

Medication may provide some relief, such as for depression, anxiety or sleeplessness – and then again, it may not be something you like or want – but keep your options open for different times of your experience. It is easy to get addicted to some medication, and with others, it is important to get off them slowly. Not taking care of yourself and your health can take a toll later on. Do your best to be good to yourself.

Be careful if you find yourself “self-medicating” with the use of drugs, alcohol, food, sex, work, or gambling, to cope with your trauma. While it is understandable that you might want to escape and feel numb, in the long run it will not solve anything, and may create a difficult addiction that will interfere with your life, and suck what little energy you have. In some ways this sort of behavior responds to a “death wish” in us during a time of darkness, but it can carry you into deeper trouble and will not help in a real way— the hard work of suffering still has to be done.

I know this because I was myself plunged into this dark side, and it was hard to get out. - Rose

• There are many programs that provide help with addictions (see Resources). In addition, there are also free 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (or Narcotics, Gamblers, Crystal Meth, Cocaine, Overeaters, and many more), where fellow addicts share their experience, strength and hope; Alanon is for family members of addicts (www.aaneworleans.org). Another similar recovery group is called Refuge Recovery, which is Buddhist and non-religious (www.refugerecovery.org).

EMOTIONAL SYMPTOMS AND STAGES

Your sense of grief and anger will feel overwhelming. Events that are sudden or that involve violence leave us in shock; feeling extreme mental pain and deep depression after such a loss is normal. Medically this is called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Grief has no time frame, and no two people grieve the same way or for the same length of time. No one can tell you how to grieve. It is as if you have a new disability, and you need time to adjust to it.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross noted that people going through loss experience five stages of grieving. You may have noticed yourself going through some of these if you were here during and after the catastrophe of Hurricane Katrina. These stages have no particular order and can happen at the same time, but acceptance usually takes place last:

1. Denial (“This isn’t happening to me!”): You have a feeling of unreality, and are unable to come to terms with what just happened. In the event of a death, you may set the table for the person, or look for them in familiar places, or think to call them on the phone.

2. Anger (“Why is this happening to me?”): As a result of the severe pain you are in, you may want to fight back, or be in a state of fury or frustration, or consumed with blaming. Anger is a normal emotional response to an injustice—but it needs an outlet or else it will turn into bitterness and despair.

3. Bargaining (“I promise I’ll be a better person if . . . ”): This is a form of wishful thinking, including begging and praying for our loved one to come back. You may want to change places with your loved one, so that they could live.

4. Depression (“I don’t care anymore.”): Feeling hopeless, frustrated, bitter, and numb may be part of mourning the loss of the person. You may also isolate from people, abuse substances, and even have suicidal thoughts.

5. Acceptance (“I’m surviving and dealing with whatever comes.”): We begin to realize our loved one didn’t leave us on purpose, and that it’s not their fault. (Even in suicide, the deceased person is not in their right frame of mind.) But we accept that everything has changed, and life as we knew it doesn’t exist anymore, that this is the “new normal.” It doesn’t mean you give up on living, it means that it will be a different life. This also doesn’t mean what happened is “acceptable;” it does mean that you recognize it is a reality in your life.

Other feelings that are commonly felt include:

• Guilt – this may involve blaming yourself for not protecting your loved one, often as an outlet for your frustration. It is useful to change your words here. Instead of “guilt” (as if you did something bad on purpose) try “sorrow” or “regret” (wishing you had been able to do something). Get rid of guilt: It lifts so much off of you to do so.

• Exhaustion – this can make you feel overwhelmed and disoriented, have a hard time making decisions, or feel jumpy or easily startled.

• Suicidal thoughts – when it seems like it’s the only way to stop the pain, you may wish you weren’t alive because the reality is so unbearable.

• An obsession to go back in time and change the outcome, and fixate about what happened and what you could have done to prevent it, which carves the pain inside you again and again.

I had planned to call James at about the time the killer came for their meeting. I became obsessed with thinking I could have prevented the events, and was riddled with guilt that I hadn’t called. It was hard for me, but I had to remember that what happened wasn’t my fault. -Rose

• Numbness – this is a way for the emotions to catch up to what the mind is trying to process. Shock is like an anesthetic, protecting you from what is so hard and painful to believe, as if you are a robot living in a trance. Some people find it hard to cry and feel sadness, but this is often the protective shield of shock. The tears will come in time. Men and women can also grieve differently, since men are not encouraged to cry. Yet tears are an important way to express the agony physically.

It is natural to have questions about what your loved one felt and whether there was any suffering. This is not morbid or crazy. Talk to someone qualified to answer (a doctor or mental health professional), because dwelling on theories is not helpful. I was told that people under attack go into a numb and detached state, which provided strange comfort.

Your values and beliefs may be deeply challenged. You might feel cynical or betrayed by your faith – or you may find that your faith is what gets you through. This can be a cycle of strengthening and weakening that changes over time. Having heartfelt discussions or reading on the matter can help the sense of emptiness.

I was very cynical about religious healing, but have come to find a spiritual peace after a long time. - Rose

You may find that there can be a sense of guilt at feeling any joy. It helps to remember that your loved ones would not want you to be defeated and turned into yet another victim of the crime.

At times you may have “grief attacks,” powerful surges of emotion from things like hearing a song, finding a special object, having a sudden memory, or for no apparent reason. Such episodes can leave you feeling exhausted, so get rest. Time does help, even if sometimes you think the pain will never end.

Thoughts of revenge are very common. It is human nature to want to hurt the person who has hurt you and/or taken your loved one’s life. But if you stop to think this out, it is a loop that can only end in further tragedy. The need to make someone answer for the violence is often felt physically. It helps to give yourself some physical release rather than holding it all in.

I would sometimes sit in my car and scream, or punch pillows and scream into them. - Rose

Remember that unresolved anger will dictate the quality of joy in your life, because intimacy and anger cannot coexist.

The danger lies in either getting very obsessed, or squashing our feelings. Some people may believe that if the individual responsible for the violence is jailed, they will start living again and feel better. However, there can be many delays or disappointments in a case, and even after it is over, it may feel like a letdown.

It’s possible to get addicted to the pain of the loss, and not feel like living your life. You may find yourself isolating, almost hiding from life. You can get to a stage where you don’t get out of bed, or miss a lot of work, or mindlessly watch TV all day, or never want to leave the house. It is an ongoing challenge to find ways to bring meaning back into your life, but sometimes letting yourself dive into distraction is the easiest outlet.

Some people talk about eventually getting “closure,” but I don’t think we can ever close the door on such a loss. Another way to look at it is that you reach milestones in this journey to which you learn to adjust. For example, getting through the legal process is one such milestone. There’s a point at which we move from being a “victim” to being a “survivor.” You might at some point invest your energy in helping others suffering from a similar loss, which may give you a sense of purpose.

GRIEF GROUPS AND COUNSELING

When the  time  feels  right  to  you,  sharing  your  feelings  and thoughts can help with healing, because you begin to accept the reality and allow your emotions to move through and go deeper; plus it’s also a way to pay tribute to your loved one. This is why it helps so much to attend grief groups, or have therapy to process your feelings, or connect with a compassionate friend or selected friends who are able to listen and support your expressions.

Grief groups consist of other people who are struggling to come to terms with their own loss, and who can offer some important insights, or simply provide kindness and sympathy. The word “compassion” means “to suffer with,” and you realize you are not alone and can grieve more easily there, with an absence of judgment. It is as if there is a “shorthand” in understanding your pain, which is also called trauma bonding, where each person wants to ease the hurt of the other.

Consider trying one of the grief groups listed on our Grief and Support Groups page. It’s understandable to feel awkward about going, so maybe ask a friend to attend with you the first time if that is helpful. Or call the number beforehand and ask if you can meet with the group facilitator prior to the meeting; many groups request an advance call. You may be asked to introduce yourself, but you’re not required to talk about your experience unless you want to. Before you decide if a group is for you or not, it’s advisable to attend at least three or four meetings. Try different groups too as some may suit you better than others.

Individual counseling sessions can be another useful way to express your feelings and experiences.

• You may consider seeing a psychiatrist to evaluate your mental health and also determine if medications are appropriate.

Remember that skilled assistance is often needed to help us beyond our grief.

SOME HELPFUL TOOLS

Say: “STOP” out loud, and raise your hand, if you keep repeating negative or obsessive thoughts. Replace the thoughts with a positive memory. You may have to do this many times, but eventually you can train yourself to respond more quickly.

Challenge your thoughts: for example, replace “I want to disappear” with “I’m going through a horrible time but I will pull through it, and my life is not over.”

Take a few minutes to breathe deeply. Breathe in through your nose and let your stomach expand; tell yourself you are breathing in strength and hope, or whatever you need. Breathe out through your mouth and let your stomach fold in; tell yourself you are breathing out negative things.

Meditation is another practice to help quiet agitated and anxious thoughts. Libraries have CDs of guided meditations, or you can find some on YouTube, or there are free apps if you have access to a smartphone. If you are seeing one, ask your therapist or psychiatrist about any sessions you could attend.

Expressive arts (like dance, art, poetry, theater, music, etc) can help give shape to your pain and release your energy flow.

Eat 6 small meals a day to keep your blood sugar stable. If you have no appetite, drink smoothies, yogurt, or vegetable juices. Eat richly colored foods and avoid too many white foods (fries, bread, pasta). Take a multi-vitamin. Aim to get 20 minutes each of sunlight and exercise a day.

Keeping a journal is a good way to express your feelings.

It can be healing to collect mementos of your loved one, things that were meaningful to them, and make a scrapbook or put in a special keepsake box. In it you can put photos, letters they wrote, letters written to them, mementos of accomplishments, and/or inspirational quotes.

Invite friends to share their memories of your loved one. For example, someone gave friends and family each a sheet of paper for them to write down their favorite memories, and then put this in their scrapbook. Don’t be afraid to let people know this is what you need from them. Or you can write down stories you’ve heard others share about your loved one. Treasuring such memories is a powerful way to remember and honor them, and is a healing part of your mourning.

You or a knowledgeable friend could make a website dedicated to your loved one, or dedicate a page to them on Facebook.

Having an area to remember your loved one is another way to grieve as well as honor the memory of them. You can light a candle as a way to express their presence, put up favorite photos, display items that they loved, or plant flowers. One person painted her house inside and out with inspirational drawings in memory of her loved one. Others made a memorial garden in honor of their son—a place to have quiet meditation where they could “talk” to him and remember him. A woman made a collage using her son’s favorite t-shirts to remember him.

I kept a lock of James’ hair and his glasses, and treasure various notes he wrote. - Rose

On special occasions, a family would write messages on balloons to their loved one, then release them into the sky.

Body therapies can help you feel more grounded - massage, acupuncture, yoga, or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, that involves using eye movement to stimulate the brain). These methods may offer relief from trauma and flashbacks.

It’s okay to say “no.” You don’t have to please others now.

Manage your time. Don’t force yourself to move faster than you are able. Be selfish with your time in order to look after yourself. Can you cut back on something? Ask for help? Accepting help is an act of courage, not weakness.

Make a to-do list, and focus on what’s most important. It helps you actively decide what you need, rather than being helpless and passive. But be fair to yourself and don’t set yourself up for failure.

Sometimes having set phone times to talk to various friends is a help, especially at times of day that you find challenging.

Many people have said prayer helped them through.

My prayers were often angry rages at God; this was part of my necessary expression at that time. - Rose

Watch a funny movie or TV show, or listen to something uplifting—sometimes escaping the darkness helps lessen the feelings of guilt, sorrow, anger or defeat.

You might find relief in reading books and visiting websites on sorrow and mourning. There are some grief workbooks that can be of help. Bookstores and libraries also have helpful materials.

Another helpful activity is to volunteer or develop a hobby. Doing something to assist others helps take focus off your pain and gives meaning. Do something you enjoy, for example: community gardening, hospital visits, walking dogs at the pound, or being a Court Watch volunteer.

A powerful tool is a writing exercise called a letter of completion: a letter from you to your loved one. In it, you can say all the things you wish you had said while they were still alive. (Of course you can think and reflect on these things rather than writing them out, if you prefer.) Here are some ideas to get you started:

Dear _______,

There are some things I need to tell you. Some memories of our history together are: ____________

The things I admired about you are: ____________

What I want you to know is: ____________

I want you to forgive me for: ____________

I forgive you for: ____________

You enriched my life by: ____________

I love you. I miss you. Good-bye.

• Some people have written a letter of forgiveness to the person who caused harm – this does not mean the crime was excusable, or that the forgiveness is total. The reason is to help release the survivor from being consumed with hatred or despair – someone said it was to stop the individual from having the last word in their story. It may take time to get to such a place, and of course the letter doesn’t have to be sent. Look online for examples of this. Louisiana also has an Accountability Letter Program you can learn more about here.

DEALING WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES

Sometimes the thing we need most from family and friends is someone who will listen – more than someone who gives advice or philosophy. Surround yourself with understanding people (especially ones who have experienced loss and have a helpful outlook), and lean on their sense of hope, faith or sanity.

• Seek out people who allow you to talk as much as you need to about your grief – and who won’t be critical of your feelings, and who won’t be impatient with you. Equally, if you don’t feel like talking, it’s perfectly acceptable to say that you’re not ready, or not in the headspace to share at that moment.

If friends no longer understand you or seem to avoid you, remember they have their own fears and limitations. Also, you have new needs now and may need new friends. You may feel abandoned, but not everyone is as sensitive or mature as you’d like them to be in serious matters. Often people who haven’t suffered significant loss don’t understand this level of pain.

You may feel isolated from family and friends - as if no one understands, because while your world feels shattered, they are going about their business. Remind them that you need someone who will listen and care. Again, grief groups can be very helpful.

People can react to trauma very differently. Psychotherapist Esther Perel has observed that some people become basically not dead, while other people are alive—that is, some people simply survive, while others learn to thrive again. A person might sink into being dejected and gloomy—telling themselves they won’t let themselves enjoy anything, because if they experience pleasure, it means they don’t care, or they’re not on guard, or it means they’re not watching for the next danger. And on the opposite side of the scale are some people who decide to take on life like a reckoning, and to live it at every moment. You may find yourself more at one end of these poles, moving back and forth.

Hurt people hurt people. Try not to take your anger out on those people close to you. If you do, be sure to talk to them later and explain what was happening. You don’t want to push away those who care most about you, or make them nervous about being near you.

To respond to people asking how you are doing, you can have a statement like: “Other than terrible (or tired, or sad) I’m managing (or breathing, or surviving).” Always thank people for asking, so they don’t feel bad for checking in on you.

Sometimes people will say insensitive things. You have the right to grieve—indeed, your healing depends on it—so don’t allow others to push you into doing or feeling things you don’t want to.

When I first went to the gravesite with two relatives of my husband, I was overcome with emotion and sobbing, and one of them said to me, “Crying won’t bring him back.” I was taken aback by her insensitivity and left speechless. Luckily the other relative said a helpful thing: “When there has been great love, there will be great mourning”—a comment I still use if I feel others are limiting necessary grieving, and because I think it is simply true. - Rose

As time goes on, some people will continue to say tactless things, believing they are being helpful (such as, “Your loved one will want you to move on”). A good response is, “I have to do this my way.” Try not to take your frustration and anguish out on this person. Depending on how well you know him or her, you can simply thank them and move on. If someone says something like: “Your loved one is in a better place,” you might respond with: “I just find that point of view difficult to accept and I don’t have the strength to argue it with you. But I want you to know I appreciate your desire to comfort me.” If someone persists in hurtful comments, tell them as simply as you can that it’s not helping, or ask someone else to gently let them know.

Distance yourself from people who bring you down. There are some people who seem to get off on finding out the gruesome details. Avoid them—they’re not there to help you, they’re just emotional vampires.

• Sometimes you may feel a stigma attached to you because of your closeness to murder or violence. This may arise from people wanting to distance themselves from the horror involved. Yet we know that stigma impacts self-esteem, and no one wants to feel labeled or judged at a time of so much emotional heavy lifting. Keep these kind of people at arm’s length, or further away.

GOING BACK TO WORK

Your grief may affect your productivity at work, since you are not the person you were – but for some people, the routine of work is a help to take their mind off their shock and pain.

If your employer or coworker(s) ask how to help you, you might discuss these points:

• You may need breaks to get yourself together if you have a grief attack, or if someone says something insensitive

• Grieving can take a long time to work through, and you may show signs of grief up to a year or much more

• The effects of grief (anger, withdrawal, sadness) are not related to your attitude to the job

• Is there a possibility of changing some work assignments temporarily, should they prove to be stressful?

SPECIAL EVENTS AND ANNIVERSARIES

Anniversaries, like birthdays and holidays, can be painful reminders, especially the first year anniversaries. It really helps to have a plan on how to deal with all these “firsts” without your loved one. Some people like to spend the time alone, or go to the loved one’s grave, or be with loving friends and family.

• An assault survivor may want to have a support system in place for difficult anniversaries.

I rescued a little dog and decided to make his birthday the same as my late husband’s; in this way I am reminded to celebrate James’ life. - Rose

If an event occurs near an anniversary like a birthday or holiday, and you do not want to attend, don’t let anyone make you do so. If you decide to go, ask to be seated somewhere where you can leave without creating a fuss if it’s just too much. People will understand and are often grateful that you came at all.

• Avoid old traditions if they make you too sad, and rather make new meaningful traditions.

SIGNS AND MYSTICAL CONNECTIONS

This can happen, so don’t think you’re going crazy. Many people report having symbolic experiences – whether it is with sensations, or seeing vistas, or via animals, or in other ways, including:

• Sensing a presence

• Hearing a voice

• Feeling a touch

• Smell (one family would smell their late son’s stinky feet!)

• Visual (like the shape of a body, or a symbolic cloud shape, or sudden appearance of light in the sky)

• Electronic equipment turning on or off

• Dreams (some comforting, others puzzling, disturbing, or sad). Being in a relaxed state tends to help these connections occur.

Right after the murders, I kept on seeing a certain neighborhood cat whenever I was dealing with important decisions. I found this reassuring, as if James’ spirit was with me through the cat. - Rose

MAKING MAJOR DECISIONS

Be cautious: Unless they are for reasons of personal safety, try to avoid taking on decisions you’re not ready to deal with for about the first year or more. Decisions that leave room for a change of heart are best. Don’t let others push you into something that doesn’t feel right.

• Avoid impulsive decisions, such as giving away possessions. However, if it is too painful to see the reminders, ask some friends to help you pack up the items and store them somewhere safe.

At some point, when you feel ready to share certain items, they can be a way to give others a keepsake that is meaningful. Or you might want to donate them to a charity.

My husband’s major possessions were books. I kept certain books that we had enjoyed together. I donated other books to the university where we had met and which suffered flood damage, and gave the remainders to friends who could choose what they liked. It took me years to get to this point. - Rose